There's a cross stitch picture high up on the wall of the church above the harbour that reads, "Thou shalt have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself any idol, nor bow down to it or worship it."  Their basic commandments aren't very different from ours: "I testify that there is no God but the One God..."

I'm sitting in a church on Friday, the Muslim holy day, examining an embroidered sampler of the Ten Commandments like I've never seen one before.  I've rarely been in a church and don't know what most of the Commandments are.  There's a poster for the Safe Church program up on the wall, letting us know how to report things like sexual misconduct by authorities.  Churches in Canada are a loaded place to be.  I feel uncomfortable.  I'm torn between memory of what the church did in my lifetime and the fact that these individual people today were kind to me and others.  Both those things are true.  I don't know what forgiveness is or think it's necessary.

God gave the prophet Moses the tablets of commandments up on a mountain where Moses saw visions, God sent the angel Gabriel to teach Muhammad the Quran with instructions for Muslims on how to live and practice their faith in the cave of Hira where Muhammad was fasting and meditating during the month of Ramadan. I'm not sure the Anglican church in this small town would think Muslims were basically the same as Christians.  Neither of us know what to make of each other.

It's supposed to be possible to apply for a $500 grant once a year to pay rent in an emergency, if you have a plan to pay it next month (I did).  I spent nearly two weeks calling every number on the BC 211 list asking for the outreach worker for the Homelessness Prevention Fund.  None of them knew who it was, some of them referred me to other organizations who didn't know or didn't apply to me and they also sent me to someone else.  Some tried to be helpful and some wanted me to go away.  I called the HPF directly and they said they were out of money for June, but they just manage the fund and can't authorize grants.

Somebody told me that I should go in in person, they can't tell who you are over the phone.  All these organisations are in the capital though, it's a different city, I don't have gas money, I can't walk far enough to walk all over downtown.  Our town has an extreme weather shelter now because the nearest homeless shelter was in the provincial capital, downtown.

A broad man in a Hawaiian shirt sitting in a folding chair next to me at the church soup kitchen this Friday has a cold wet cloth draped over his shaved head.  It took me a while to guess why.  It's June in Canada and it's a chilly 18C outdoors, cooler indoors.  I'm wearing two shirts, but it could be hot for him.  He says somebody tried to mug him for the rings on his fingers, and he told the thief that if he could get his rings off he could have them. And showed the table of people eating soup his huge fists.

His rings are gold, with a red carnelian stone.  In Muslim cultures, it's a stone for good luck and protection from envy, engraved with tiny prayers and set into rings.  The Prophet Muhammad is said to have worn a carnelian seal set in silver on his little finger, engraved with the words "Muhammad the Prophet of God," which he used to seal his letters.  His son in law Uthman, the second Muslim ruler after Muhammad died, accidentally dropped the seal of the Prophet down a well and lost it forever 1400 years ago.  I've dropped things off the wharf and watched them sink too.

Imam Ali al-Ridha said, "Carnelian takes away poverty and dissolves difference from one’s heart."  And also, "Whosoever wears a turquoise ring will never become dependent."  I tried that.  It didn't work.  Belief that it could be otherwise doesn't always alter fate.  Maybe it's belief that it will be otherwise.

What counts as bad luck is a matter of perspective.  At least we're not that other person, with real problems. It could always be worse.  Don't let bigger misfortune befall us.  I can deal with this one.

I tell the man using a power chair working the front desk at the Advocacy Society I'm about to be living in my car next month while I apply for disability, is it possible to see a social worker today?  "No," he says good naturedly.  "You can phone and leave a message."  I've already done that, and somebody who works in the field said I should come in person.  "Are you getting the run around?"  

Everybody I talk to reacts like this is normal and expected.  Being homeless because you're disabled shouldn't be so common it's expected.

The lavender bushes outside the next office are full of honeybees. Somebody nearby has hives. View Street, surrounded by brick apartment towers. Probably on a rooftop somewhere. Victoria, city of flowers, could produce some lovely honey, with the potential for orange soda pop residue from cans in the trash, discarded McDonald's apple pie crusts, rotting windfall apples in back yards. That's normal for bees. They'll eat anything sticky and drink out of public fountains. My sister texts, "That's good, those suckers are disappearing."  The honey probably isn't the point, reviving the bee population is.

She says she was on View Street when a Labrador fell out of the sky and hit the pavement at her feet.  Leapt off a third floor rooftop.  The dog died in her arms while its owner ran down three flights of stairs, too late.  It's a beautiful city, and a sad one.

A social worker calls, she can't help.  She's stern.  I know they have to be, but I wish somebody fucking cared.  I would care.

I used to wear niqab

I don't feel like I can wear the niqab or hijab here, in logging town.

I don't feel Muslim enough to wear niqab anymore.  Says the person who still says the dua as-safr every time they get in the car.  Which one of us is Muslim enough?  Is it the person who's already wearing the niqab?  That doesn't determine one's Muslimness.

The niqab isn't culturally acceptable to white people.  I'm not culturally acceptable to a lot of Muslims.  I don't want to be called a hypocrite by both sides for whichever minor thing I'm doing.  So I forgot and ate a jelly candy, fuck off.

I have pretty good hair and it's a shame to flatten it all the time.  I like wearing too much eyeliner and I'm not going to stop.  Women wouldn't hit on me in public anymore.

I devoted myself to my faith from my early twenties until I came back to Canada four years ago, and I don't feel like I'm devoting myself to my faith now.  My husband died and I didn't pray for years.  I just felt dead.  I don't know how to revive that joy or be that young again.

I don't want to get married again to have sex.  I haven't actually done this.  I'm probably right that I'm not Muslim enough.  I don't really see the point of getting married here, widowed and 34.  I'm old and no longer valuable.  We have messed up ideas about what makes women valuable, but I can't make that different. 

I think I should have the option of being visibly Muslim in public and have that be normal.  I don't think I should have to wear one thing all the time, or be only one thing.  A few women who no longer wear the niqab have told me they eventually found it was restrictive and they couldn't pursue other interests.  The culture is restrictive, but I don't think it has to be.  One can be devoted to their faith and also care about other things.

I wear $2 titanium rings I bought on eBay with the shahadah inscribed on them in Arabic, and a leather jacket.  I testify that there is no God but God... I doubt anyone notices.  I want my faith to be that indestructible.

 

I was expecting to have a very stern conversation with my building manager, but she's trying to come up with ways I could make money.  Unfortunately, I can't make $800/month selling straws or baking. I don't have my rent and can't pay other bills, there's no way around that.  Yes I could get a roommate, I still have ads up, but I can't pay my half of the rent for an unknown period of time and I don't want to flake on someone and leave them with nowhere to live. She thinks I should do it anyways.  Desperate measures I guess.

She had all sorts of suggestions that weren't going to work out, and I was trying to figure out why this lady was trying to help me when I don't have my rent, and then thought: maybe it's because she likes you.  What would I do if a friend wasn't going to have anywhere to live?  I probably wouldn't think "oh well, guess she's sleeping in her car now.  Way it goes."  I'd care a lot more if this happened to someone else.

We went out for coffee and a doughnut (why is this lady being nice to me??), also I'm using her internet connection.  The manager gave me her wifi password as I haven't had internet since I got sick.  It makes life a lot easier.

I've cleaned apartments after move-out here for several years, and fixed the drywall, paint, closet doors.  For $10/hour cash, which is below minimum wage now, but I know how small the manager's salary is, and I have to take whatever work I can get.  Those jobs are her responsibility, she can't do them herself, and I'm leaving suddenly.  Also she'll look bad if I don't pay my rent on the first because she was my main reference when I moved in.  I hadn't been back in Canada that long and didn't have much history.

Stuck in Canada suddenly, no longer a permanent resident, without any landlord or employment references for a decade and no credit, I nearly didn't exist.  My husband had died in another country, I couldn't afford to go back, and I couldn't feel anything.  Sometimes I still don't.

My building manager wants me to bake pies this week and try to make some money.  I have a bag of granny smith apples, but I also have too many more important things to do and can't do that much.  Soliciting orders on Facebook takes a lot of organisation time. I'll try to find the time.  I'm not going to miraculously come up with my last month's rent and change this.

This is a page of math that explains how I ended up living in a secondhand sports car

I got majorly ill and had to quit my job last fall.  Employment Insurance took eight months in total to decide I didn't qualify for regular EI.  I filed a three month medical EI claim because I had to (benefits are 55% of former wages), and applied to convert it to a regular EI claim the last week. EI spent five more months after that making a decision and I couldn't apply for any other kind of assistance.

You're supposed to be able to apply for $760/month hardship assistance while waiting for an EI decision if you have nothing left, but any kind of income is deducted from that.  I quit my job in late October, applied to convert my claim in January, in early March I had a $1,300 tax return and couldn't apply for any kind of Ministry assistance for four months after that.  I paid my own living expenses.

Five months later, EI decided I qualified for partial benefits, sent 15 weeks back pay but not the rest of the 48 weeks remaining, and closed my file.  I had $4,800 in the bank now, but I also had a car loan I couldn't afford any more and $4,000 in bills and portions of my rent I'd put on credit so I could continue to live somewhere while I was too sick to do anything. 

I paid off my car loan so I could keep the car and spend money on rent.  I can't walk or take the bus to medical appointments or government offices.  I shouldn't be sleeping in my car and can't always drive, but I can find somewhere else to live when I can pay rent again.  I gave 30 days notice to vacate July 31.

I thought I'd get a $760 social assistance cheque some months (4?) after EI made a decision (the rent on my fairly nice one bedroom apartment was $795/month), and host some Airbnb guests while I applied for disability to help pay the rent (it would be deducted, but I might make the rent).

Except the inflammation attacking my spine got bad enough with new symptoms that I had to go to Emergency and pay for medications and medical supplies, my car had two minor issues (it broke down in a traffic circle and I had to have two sensors and a leaking fuel hose replaced: $750), somebody "found" my secondhand iphone and isn't giving it back, the $50 phone I replaced it with doesn't hold a charge... I spent all my rent money unexpectedly and I have too much debt already to put my rent on credit again.

The Ministry of Social Development (the welfare ministry) deducted my partial EI back pay (which wasn't enough even for that period) from the amount of social assistance I would have received going forward at $760/month.  So I can't receive social assistance for six months while I apply for disability (I don't have a date when I can receive assistance again yet, but I talked to a worker and did the math myself).  I figured they were going to do that, but I couldn't guess for how long.

The body ironically titled the Ministry of Social Development and Poverty Reduction decided I have to live on $4,800 for nearly a year, in effect. I understand why the rules exist and I don't disagree on principle, but it ends up being really dumb.

I have negative $211.20 in the bank because my bill payments came out of my overdraft, zero income, $4,000 in credit card bills I have to make payments on, and I don't have a working phone.  I haven't been able to buy toiletries or food in months, I've had one food bank hamper and then a bag of rice and a back of flour to stretch it out.  Before that I was just living on rice and instant coffee because I didn't want to go to the food bank.

I'm too ill to go to a job.  It definitely occurred to me to just solve this by getting another job.  Being able to get a job would make life 200% easier!  I'm out of bed half the time now, but I'm not going to get better after 15-20 years, I'm going to get worse.  I'm applying for disability to pay the rent first so I can do as much as possible for me.  Not mentioning how ill I am doesn't mean it's not real.

I do still have the car.  I still maintain that my financial decisions were better than the Ministry of Social Development's rules about how I should spend money.

At 24 I was certain I was right.  At 34 I doubt all of my decisions.  I put all of the money I had into a car that broke down the month after I paid it off (minorly, but it's 15 years old), and now I'm going to get evicted because I don't have anything left.  But it's already done.

It's the 23rd of June and it looks like I'll have till the 15th of July (or 10th?) to vacate.  I have to get rid of all of my furniture and stuff very quickly.  I managed to pay my rent for most of a year while I was very sick until I was able to leave, with nothing and a lot of debt, but maybe that's as good as it gets.